The amazing Martinez
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”? Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.” “Who said that?” she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, now we’re in BIG trouble!” Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”
Genie In A Lamp Joke
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking lamp. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the Genie continued. “What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for”.
“Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man. “Then what is your first wish?” asked the Genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars … “ replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man. “Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man. “And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney … .”
A secretary, an administrator and a manager in a City firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the administrator. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the manger . The manger says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a man, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?” “Well… you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret… You know, woman to woman.”
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like ”fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ”th” by ”z” and “W” by “V”.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining ”ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy responds: “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man”.
The second guy says: “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow”.
The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: “I guess I’d like to hear them say ‘Look – he’s moving!'”
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Proverbs For The Information Age
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we have when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There’s no place like homepage
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Nintendo and he won’t bother you for weeks.
Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.
Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
What is Britain’s highest award for valour in war?
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
Name some famous pilgrimages.
Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it’s closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord’s.
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.
What does “varicose” mean?
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.
What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person’s chest or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.
How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.
What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
What is a supersaturated solution?
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.
What is a vacuum?
A large empty space where the pope lives.
What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat
Answering Machine Messages
- Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.
- Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So, can you talk to it instead?
- Hi, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
- Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call you sooner.
- Hi! Tom’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they’ll get back to you.
- This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I’ll think about returning your call.
- Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message and, if I don’t call you back, it’s you.
- Hi, this is George. I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call back.
- Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
- My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now but, if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
- Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right slowly. So leave a message and, when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.
Signs In Foreign Lands
Those of you who may be planning summer travel, please remember that people in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists.Here is a list of signs seen around the world.
- Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
- At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
- Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
- Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
- Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
- Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
- Sign in men’s rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
- In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
- On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
- On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
- On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
- In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
- One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
- A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
- In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
- In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
- Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
- Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
- On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
- In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
- In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
- Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
- Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
- Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
- Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
- Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
- Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
- In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
- Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
- Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION.
- Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
- From the “Soviet Weekly”: THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
- In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
- Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
- A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
- Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
- An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
- A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
- Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
- Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
- The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
- In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY – NO ICE-CREAM.
- Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
- On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT